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Joke of the Day

"The 'g' in 'contains 100% angus beef'... is the different between a great steak, and a hot dog."

"People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments."

"Hey Mark, do you want a threesome? So go home fast. Perhaps you arrive on time."

"Sorry I didn't text you back, but my phone recognized your number."

"My time-travelling uncle died. RIP Robert Mack, 1968-1834"

"BABY DRINK Q: How do you make a baby drink? A: Stick it in the blender."

"Lately I've been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me"

"Offense: When it's a legal matter, it's pronounced o-FENCE. When it's sports, it's pronounced OFF-ence. Climbing... ? A fence."

"Fresh and Funny! Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk? Oh Harry, that would be lovely! Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?"

"Instead of thinking about what you're missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing."