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Joke of the Day
"Sorry I didn't text you back, but my phone recognized your number."
Next Joke
"When somebody said I could never be a ninja I replied, ""Shurikan"""
"This speech will be very hard for Hillary Clinton... She isn't getting paid for it"
"If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes."
"Her: What are your desires? Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]...Unconventional."
"I am a perfect role model... ...for someone who takes ""how much can you fuck up your life?"" As an actual challenge."
"My Mom burned my Hawaiian pizza today... I guess she should have put the oven on aloha setting..."
"Dentist: ""You need a crown."" Patient: ""Finally someone who understands me"""
"Something you don't want to hear in a sonogram... Doctor: There is the head...see they hand, they're waving.... and look! It's a boy! Wife: Is it supposed to be that big?"
"What gets harder as you beat it? A penis."