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Joke of the Day

"I hate flossing This morning, I brushed for literally twenty minutes just to put off flossing. My hair has never looked better."

"Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make Then they call me ugly and poor."

"Do you remember when your grandma was younger? Neither does she."

"Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church? ""No thanks."" Don't judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects... ""WHERE DO I SIGN UP?"""

"A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?"

"What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both fly around Uranus and wipe out Klingons."

"Who ships Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio the most? Not Titanic"

"What makes the noise of a cow when you turn it upside down? A cow."

"BOSS: There's limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah"

"Apparently, I've got Rationalitis. I wouldn't know if it weren't for the check-up; it's asymptotic."