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Joke of the Day

"[at the mall] ""Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?"" ""Of course."" [leans in to mic] ""Goodbye you little shit."""

"What do you call 6.02*10^23 butts? Molasses"

"My best friend has been diagnosed with HIV ""Everything will be ok"", I said, ""just stay positive."""

"A guy walks into a bar wearing plastic wrap pants... The bartender says ""Whoa there buddy, just turn around and leave - I can clearly see you're nuts!"""

"*places empty liquor bottle on shelf for display* I'm An Animal Now Everyone. I Decorate With Trash. Literally An Animal"

"If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something"

"My doctor gave me a prescription for anti-depression meds but my Bartender is having a hard time reading his writing..."

"He tells the punchline first. What's the worst thing about a time traveling comedian?"

"A women claims she is too sexy to live a normal life.. OK. I feel her pain but from the ugly side of things"

"Have you read that new book on antigravity? It's hard to put down!"