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Joke of the Day

"Jesus after the Last Supper goes through the bills. ""Guys, seriously, what the fuck, who ordered wine?"""

"[leaving 5 minute voicemail] ...and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*"

"I want my abs to be like NHS nurses... Cut"

"There's no cool way to chase a bouncing ping pong ball."

"Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good... good. You're all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now."

"Why are emo people so good at ping-pong? Because they are well practiced in cutting."

"Why are Aspirins and Paracetamol white? Well, you want them to work, don't you?"

"I wasn't too impressed by Dr. Strange.. I've seen Stranger Things."

"It's crazy how much stuff there is to do on my phone when sitting at a restaurant alone."

"On the off chance I'm captured by cannibals, I've got a 'Best if eaten by 1975' tattoo on my neck."