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Joke of the Day

"If you knew what I considered to be my ""best behavior"" it's doubtful you'd advise me to be ""on it""."

"What do you do if a 4 year old girl catches you masturbating? Untie her"

"""My husband's a talented voice actor & his brother's a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person"" -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire"

"Did you hear about the women who got wooden breast implants? A punchline would be funny here, Wooden Tit?"

"Hey, little bird! Maybe you wouldn't have to move your head around so much looking for threats if you didn't make so much god damn noise!"

"*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they're for multiple people*"

"How many prepubescent teen boys does it take to screw in a light bulb? He said ""screw"" lolol"

"Last night on stage at the strip club ... ...was the ugliest woman I've ever seen. She danced up to me and said ""Hey handsome, what would you like me to take off first?"" ""My glasses"" I said"

"Who satisfies earth the most? Sun. Because the sun goes down every night."

"Everytime I have sex... It's really hands on."