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Joke of the Day

"Tough break for cows. They're filled with delicious meat and covered in leather. How are we supposed to not kill them?"

"The most awkward part of meeting new people is when my kids say, ""Please help us."""

"I met a girl at a soccer game... ...I think she's a keeper"

"What's the difference between eating at a restaurant and standing in a field of cows? I don't tip at restaurants."

"If Hitler made a Microphone company... ...it'd be called ""The Third Mic""."

"The milk in my fridge went bad. It beat up my orange juice and started selling meth to all the condiments."

"When does it become a dad joke? When it was a kid."

"Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is."

"How did the constipated mathematician solve his problem? He worked it out with a pencil!"

"The woman who injected her 8-year old with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody... The child didn't look surprised..."