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Joke of the Day

"I've always been told I shouldn't assume... Because it makes an ass out of u and me."

"Right now the parents of the kid who climbed Trump Tower are thinking ""Damn I knew we shouldn't have given him that REI gift card"""

"Why is Alabama the smartest state? Because it has four A's and one B."

"Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don't cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it. Now who's stupid? They are!"

"I hope I look half as good on my wedding day as I do on my divorce paper-signing day."

"Basically, I'm paying for a gym membership just to have the keyring thingy so people think I actually go to one..."

"I met a girl who didn't like dried fruit. Well I certainly couldn't interest her in a date."

"Went to the zoo and the only animal there was a good looking dog... It was a pretty shih tzu"

"""Ejaculate"" shouldn't just be strictly a sexual term. I should be able to ""ejaculate"" out of a restaurant (leave quickly)."

"But is that likely? Whaaat __ You don't know Lee? Pleasant chap, though he doesn't fancy being compared to a butt."