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Joke of the Day

"Nurse: You need to eat or you can't have your pain meds. Me: Do the thing. Nurse: Me: Nurse: *holding fork* [sigh]*makes airplane noise*"

"My orgies are like the Special Olympics... There's lots of drooling and everyone is a winner."

"69% of people... ...find something dirty in every sentence."

"I was driving through a woodland area the other day and accidentally hit a stag It really spoiled the wedding"

"Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV! Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!"

"What do Chinese people call Chinese food? Food."

"I bet if Jimmy cracked YOUR corn you'd care, you selfish son of a bitch."

"My girlfriend is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with Italian food. I wouldn't put it pasta."

"Kanye West is still performing at the Pan Am closing ceremony. Looks like the petition didn't Pan out."

"""Always leave them wanting more"" is great advice for a performer. Restaurant owners, on the other hand..."