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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world. So i'm gonna drop her off in the desert and leave"

"I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft."

"It's so cold outside... I just saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets!"

"I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt."

"Yes, people who exercise live longer. But those extra years are spent...umm...excercising!"

"Michael Phelps can't play any MMORPG anymore He always gets banned as a gold farmer."

"Guy calls his doctor... He says, ""I figured out what's been causing the pain, doc. Avocado!"" Doctor: ""Did you research that?"" Guy: ""No, I just pulled it out of my ass"""

"You can't boss me around until you're older than the whiskey I drink. -subtweet to my GF"

"What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck"

"How many Vietnam Vets does it take to change a light bulb? What, you don't know? Well I guess you weren't FUCKING THERE, MAN!"