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Joke of the Day

"How many Vietnam Vets does it take to change a light bulb? What, you don't know? Well I guess you weren't FUCKING THERE, MAN!"

"Whoa whoa whoa... I was stalking her first buddy..."

"Almost every McDonalds A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'."

"I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me."

"how bout i spell YOUR name wrong, Stahrbux. hm? how bout i pronounce it wrong, too, huh? you like that? how's that feel, Stlerbecks?"

"Who is the commander of cheese? Sargento"

"I hate the beginning and I hate the end So that's why I became a midwife."

"Twitter is the adult way of having imaginary friends."

"My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses"

"Ariel was a minor and couldn't sign a legally binding contract. You'd think the king of the ocean's lawyers could get that shit thrown out."