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Joke of the Day

"I have only two requests for when I die. #1. I want my remains scattered around Wrigley Field. \#2. I don't want to be cremated first."

"TO: Everyone who has been run over by a boat in Venice... ...my deepest gondolances."

"*Giving TED talk* Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair! *he does and a mousetrap snaps* Me: trust no one *audience claps*"

"My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito."

"English man reaches for his wallet to pay hooker.... She replies ""oh, so you want me to pound you?"""

"That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don't know."

"Polish joke What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night? A new last name."

"I like to mute CNN and imagine they're arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays."

"I told my friend that she was drawing her eyebrows too high She looked surprised"

"What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird ? A feather boa !sna"