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Joke of the Day

"I don't see countries or borders, I don't see color or race or anything that differentiates people. Seriously, I think I fucked up my eyes."

"Just got out of the shower and lotioned up Unfortunately I'm not a chick so this won't get 624 faves"

"Last time I used my phone was to call someone upstairs in my house b/c getting up is hard & I'm not trying to win the Olympics."

"How many redditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 5/7"

"Mrs. Smith: Help me doctor! My son John swallowed the can opener! Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright. Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!"

"Why shouldn't you buy a Unionmade watch? For every day it's working, it will break twice, yet still skips ahead half an hour while you're eating lunch."

"I wonder if Ronald McDonald sadistically cackles as he bludgeons innocent chickens and uses clown magic to turn them into nuggets."

"Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait."

"A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn't have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking...presumably about the failure of this coffee shop."

"Why does everybody love honey? Because it never gets old."