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Joke of the Day

"If I could be a woman for 24 hours, I would probably spend most of it telling myself to shut the fuck up"

"What do Steve Harvey and a dentist have in common? They're both experts at placing temporary crowns."

"Doctor: Well ma'am looks like you're pregnant. Woman: I'm pregnant? Doctor: No it just looks like you are."

"My girlfriend said she will leave me unless I stop pretending to be a hotel... I said, 'but you can never leave!' 'You can check out anytime you like'."

"Ever hear of ""organic"" grapes? Yeah, they're called Raisens."

"If i had $1 for every time i got called beautiful.. I'd have $1. Thanks mom."

"The main reason Santa Claus is so jolly is because... he knows where all the bad girls live. :3"

"6: can u get me a drink? Me: no, you're 6yo. You can get your own drink 6: fine *goes to fridge Me: while ur there can u grab me a beer?"

"I'll stop at nothing... ...to avoid using negative numbers."

"At the water cooler, just ""accidentally"" splashed my pants to hide some pee. This Christmas, I'll give the office a chocolate fountain."