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Joke of the Day

"If I could be a woman for 24 hours, I would probably spend most of it telling myself to shut the fuck up"

"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast."

"I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own."

"If fire hydrants have H2O inside them, what do they have outside? K9P"

"What does a fish say when it swims into a concrete wall? Dam!"

"An artilleryman says what? What? Right. What? What. He says what. What?"

"Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stomp out forest fires. Why do elephants have big flat feet? To stomp out burning ducks."

"What did the man with leprosy say to the hooker after he paid her? You can keep the tip."

"I just put a girl in the hospital. I'm in charge of hiring new nurses."

"Fred came home from his first day at school. ""Nothing exciting happened"" he told his mother ""Except the teacher didn't know how to spell cat so I told her"""