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Joke of the Day
"Out for the Count by Esau Stars"
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"The toilets at the philosophy convention were clogged. That was some deep shit man."
"Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation..."
"What's the difference between being hungry and being horny? Where you put the cucumber."
"The cable guy said he'd be here sometime between 1:00 and April, 2016."
"Of all the different types of pornography ... I'd say animal porn is the bestial."
"Girlfriend is having trouble opening an oyster at dinner. She hands it to me to open. Just as I pry it open, I say, ""The easiest way to open this is with a little mussel"""
"What is a clowns fart made of? Laughing gas."
"""You know who else loved carbs? Hitler."" - excerpt from my book How To Diet Through Shame & Manipulation"
"I just ate my weight in kidney beans! (I weigh eight ounces.)"