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Joke of the Day

"The Chinese coined the phrase ''It's not you, it's me'' while looking at family pictures."

"What do you call a computer programmer that likes to kidnap children? A PDFile."

"I'm a completely chill dude. But you try to cook my baby son in the pizza oven you built in your backyard... we're gonna have problems."

"i hate when... ...when people ask me where i see myself in 5 years. come on guys, i don't have 2020 vision."

"What's the difference between a nun and a woman taking a bath? The nun has hope in her soul, and the woman has soap in her hole. EDIT: NSFW?"

"Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven't met yet."

"Pick up line for a Shakespeare lover. How now brown chicken brown cow?"

"HR: Did you call an employee stupid? Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid."

"WTH? My neighbors say they don't like to spoon!? Even after I stopped sleeping in the nude. And introduced myself. Old people! Amirite?"

"My mother said fetch me a glass of water... My mother said ""fetch me a glass of water"" and I said ""no"" my mom said ""I bore you for nine months!"" So I said ""you bore me every time you speak!"""