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Joke of the Day

"WTH? My neighbors say they don't like to spoon!? Even after I stopped sleeping in the nude. And introduced myself. Old people! Amirite?"

"[dies and goes to hell] me: ""mom? dad!? what are you doing here!"" dad: ""we used to switch your food with the dog's food sometimes."""

"So I bought some shoes off my drug dealer. And I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day."

"What do you call a blonde geek with cancer? A dumb terminal"

"Please do not power off or unplug your machine. Installing update 45 of 9484727192873828277362517293847265127826262827262726273633833727..."

"Don't you hate it when sentences don't end the way you think they octopus?"

"What does a drill with a dildo attached to the end and watching golf have in common? They both bore the fuck out of you!"

"My wife told me I should go to the gym with her to get in shape, but I suggested I just start with skipping. So far I've skipped the gym three times this week and I feel great."

"Q: When is a strange dog most likely to go into your house? - A: When the door is open."

"The awkward moment when Lady Gaga has no idea what to wear for halloween."