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Joke of the Day

"I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe. I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe."

"I tried to be a workaholic but workahol tastes like shit."

"An Irish guy in front of me said, ""Whale-oil beef-hooked"" I don't know what any of that has to do with forgetting your passport.."

"What does the most interesting man in the world eat for breakfast? Dos Eggies"

"One I heard at a restaurant ""Am I the first girl you ever kissed?"" She whispered softly to her date. ""It's possible"" he admitted, ""Were you at Lake Geneva in 2004?"""

"Oh yeah bro? That's not what your mom said last night. I don't think so, anyway. It was a long conversation. She sounds well. Lovely person."

"I'm bad at misleading people Not"

"Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he's 47"

"Me: Can I pet your dog? Stranger: sure M: one more time S: uh, ok M: again S: maybe you should get your own M: pet S: we have to go M: mine"

"Lindsay Lohan says she can't walk down the street without men chasing her. They're drug dealers Lindsay pay your debts.."