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Joke of the Day

"An oldie for the road This randomly popped into my head at work and as I started saying it, my boss finished it. *Twats* that? I *cunt* hear you. *Tits* okay. I'll *finger* it out later."

"Some grammar Nazis told me about a seminar they are going to attend about cause and effect. They're there to affect its effect and it's there for their two affects too."

"Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs."

"A Priest and a Rabbi observe a 10-year old boy walking down the street. Priest: Wanna fuck him? Rabbi: Out of what?"

"I wish my job was more like a video game. In order to be promoted to the next level, all I'd need to do is kill the boss."

"Cats act so cool all year long & then Christmas comes and they eat tinsel."

"I was starving earlier so I opened up a beanbag chair. There were no beans, only styrofoam. Im furious, Im hungry and I have nowhere to sit."

"How do you make a strawberry shake? You put it in the freezer."

"Why is ISIS going after programs? Because they are executable"

"[Courtroom] Judge: One more word & I'll hold you in contempt! Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice."