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Joke of the Day

"Are you today's date? Because you're 1/10, bye."

"TIL it's impossible to stick your tongue out and look up at the same time That's right get it in there"

"A message to all you deceased American voters... Vote Early, and Vote Often."

"What's Blue, Orange and Lying at the Bottom of a Swimming Pool? What's blue, orange and lying at the bottom of a swimming pool? A baby with popped floaties."

"I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my thumb."

"What do you do when you are riding a horse, and a cheetah and ostrich are chasing you? You get your drunk ass off the carousel!"

"Why did the blonde start rubbing toothpaste on her vagina? She heard it helps reduce cavities."

"[texting] Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am) Him: About? (9:01 am) Him: What? (9:02 am) Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am) Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)"

"They're coming for me They're banging on my doors. I haven't eaten an apple in months. They're forcing their way in in. The doctors are here. Tell mum I love her."

"Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and it'll eat for weeks!"