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Joke of the Day

"I love when I have dramatic realizations over my morning cereal... ... I call 'em ""breakfast epiphanies"""

"Just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ""probably just shitfaced."""

"[At microphone] *clears throat* ""Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap."" *crowd cheers* ""Thanks for attending my dance recital."""

"No, no, I didn't need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music."

"ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this"

"What's worse than a centipede with sore feet? A giraffe with a sore throat."

"Sorry I broke your arm when your reached for that last slice of pizza. -Flirting is hard."

"My girlfriend treats me like a god Now if I can only get her to stop being an atheist."

"What's the difference between an Nvidia card and an AMD card? One empties your pocket. The other makes Hot Pockets."

"There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down, he sneered at me and I thought, well that's a little condescending."