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Joke of the Day

"My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age. So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl. Tik Tok."

"I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he's ironing."

"I don't like dictatorships. All dictators should be shot, and if anybody disagrees with me, they should be shot as well."

"I visited my doctor last week, and he told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked him why, because surely it's not dangerous. He said it was distracting him."

"There are three kinds of people in the world, Those who are good at math and those who aren't."

"Chuck Norris isn't real... If he had been real, he would've come here and probably smash my head on my keyboarjfjcjcndndjxucbfjdi oejebhh jdudyehsbsj"

"I don't mind getting the stink-eye when I say, ""Happy Whatever Holiday You're Weirdly Touchy About,"" because THAT is the spirit of Whatever."

"A man wakes up in a hospital, after a serious accident. He yells ""Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"" The doctor responds ""I know. I amputated your arms."""

"Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends."

"ELI5 What happens when a high school calls in a replacement teacher for a subject they know nothing about? Ooops... wrong sub."