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Joke of the Day

"If your method of birth control is abstinence... ...and you miss a day, you might be in trouble."

"How many non-humorous people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One"

"A cell's sister stepped on the cell's toe. ""Mitosis"""

"A bug zapper, but for people trying to come into my office."

"I got a nice Rolex from the lesbian couple next door after they asked me what I wanted for my birthday. It's a cool gift and all, but I think they misunderstood me when I told them I wanna watch."

"Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future. Trust me. My friend Keith did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did."

"I have batlike reflexes. -You mean catlike reflexes? *screeches real loud right in your face to locate food and avoid obstacles*"

"wife: know what today is? me: yep wife: on 2 together: 1, 2 wife: Happy Anniver.. me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL.. wife:..sary me: wife: me: ..Santa"

"Texts: Cool! What does it say? Emails: Oh God... what do they want? Phone call: I basically assume someone has died."

"Why did Waldo go to therapy? ..to find himself."