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Joke of the Day

"I have batlike reflexes. -You mean catlike reflexes? *screeches real loud right in your face to locate food and avoid obstacles*"

"Pretty sure Craigslist is just a secret genetics lab and they send out their failed experiments to come pick up the stuff you sell there."

"My friend lost his left hand... He's all right now."

"My girlfriend says she's going to leave me because I have a gambling problem But I think she's bluffing."

"What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a healthy dog have in common? 84% of their dna"

"Why are boys faster than girls? Because they have ball bearings and a stick shift."

"I finally set up a new sky light in my apartment! I don't know why my upstairs neighbors are so furious though."

"My girlfriend said I was too controlling ... and it wasn't her turn to speak."

"[sitting in doctor's office] It's bad news. You have a rare case of contagious memory loss. ""What do you mean?"" I can't remember."

"Whats the difference between a woman president and pizza? Most people like the idea of pizza better."