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Joke of the Day

"What is the difference between an old bus depot and a lobster with boobs? One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station."

"Remember: You don't owe anybody anything. Unless they killed someone for you. Then they probably deserve a nice gift card."

"This guy at speed dating asked if I have any weird tattoos I was like lol not if you love The Golden Girls."

"What's the difference between LSD and my dad? LSD doesn't need to be drunk to hit me."

"What do you call a nun who's drinking a pint? Catholic"

"wife: YOU changed the sheets?! [flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere] me: Surprise!"

"So, funny story. That Thundercat I shot on my front porch was some dumbass kid in a costume. Regardless, he's going up on the wall."

"I just got a job cleaning air ducts and I don't like it very much, but at least I have a job. Thanks for letting me vent."

"Girl, you have a nice... http://imgur.com/OJKPTJr"

"Why are Americas so Hung up on the constitution? It's fucking ancient."