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Joke of the Day

"Remember: You don't owe anybody anything. Unless they killed someone for you. Then they probably deserve a nice gift card."

"Adulthood: If I do the thing I like, I'll be too tired to do the thing I hate."

"Do we even know if ducks can fart? We should put a guy on that."

"Idea! Tiny headphones for pigeons who are self-conscious about their head bopping & want to make it look like they're listening to music."

"I once had this amazing handicapped friend. He wanted to be a stand up comedian."

"Definition of a spider, to someone who is afraid of spiders. Spiders are just furry eight-leggedy things, think of them as two kittens taped together and you'll be fine."

"What did Masters say to Johnson? I don't know what the worlds coming to"

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."

"What do you call a black guy wearing an ankle bracelet? A stay at home dad"

"Why is it hard to break up with a Star Trek fan? Because they are such Kling-ons."