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Joke of the Day

"*gets down to snails level* IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU'RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER."

"What do you call a dog who digs up ancient artifacts? A Barkeologist."

"Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm."

"Be good to yourself, you're all you've got."

"Harry was blind. His friends bought him a silver-coated nutmeg grater. When they asked how he liked it, he said it was the most violent story he'd ever read."

"This ones for those college students and there finals This is really just a good analogy. Finals are like plastic surgery, you go in with A's and you come out with D's!"

"Today is the day when Marty Mcfly was supposed to arrive in the future and we still don't have hoverboards! I bet you that Michael J. Fox is just sitting at home shaking with anger"

"Twitter kidnapped my Tweets. I just posted 2 of them and they disappeared. I hope they're okay and are being treated well wherever they are."

"He was in a pub when he proposed. It was very romantic he got up on one knee."

"Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?"