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Joke of the Day

"I found the worlds worst thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible."

"Dear math, stop telling me to find your X Their not coming back, grow up and solve your own problems"

"What is the dumbest animal in the jungle? A polar bear"

"Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I'd be shopping at the dollar store."

"How did you get those horrible burns? *flashback to me enjoying some hot soup on a rollercoaster* I saved a litter of puppies from a fire."

"My wife just got breast implants made out of oak I don't think I could do that, I think it'd hurt, wooden tit?"

"Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs."

"Sitting across from a table of cops at a restaurant and convinced im going to get arrested for how gross I look eating this chicken wrap"

"My friend firmly believes that he's a solute I think he's diluted"

"My girlfriend told me peeing after sex prevents pregnancies... I don't know what I did wrong. I peed as hard as I could right after sex and she still got pregnant."