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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend told me peeing after sex prevents pregnancies... I don't know what I did wrong. I peed as hard as I could right after sex and she still got pregnant."

"Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it's like, nom nom nom nom."

"My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer... I said, No, wait! I can change!"

"I won't be getting any sex tonight but I beat level 15 on Bejeweled so its pretty much just as good."

"I could see every bottle of ketchup in the restaurant. Heinz sight is 20/20."

"A girl's ass is like an onion... ...It'll give you really bad breath if you eat it raw!"

"I'm like the mafia to my son. He only contacts me when he wants money or protection."

"You know what really sucks? Sluts."

"This evening I watched a Series of Unfortunate Events Then I turned off the news and watched Netflix."

"The concept of Santa is great because you can give your kids crappy gifts and they only have themselves to blame."