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Joke of the Day

"I'm giving up for Lent."

"him: what are you looking for on this dating site? me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses."

"Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf."

"If there were no bad parents there would be no good strip clubs."

"You know peanuts can kill a person! Well, they are nuts, after all!"

"Wife: ""Would you like to help me....?"" Translation: ""Do it or die."""

"""So sir, have you decided whether or not you'd like to buy this mattress?"" ""I'll sleep on it"""

"What kind of flour is independent? Self-Raising flour.. I'll get my coat."

"If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it's one of those circus bears, you never know."

"Why did the midget get kicked out of the nudist colony? He kept getting in everyone's hair."