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Joke of the Day

"Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf."

"I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go."

"I got told off for masturbating at the gun range. We had very different interpretations of shooting from the hip."

"I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men."

"Well, Jesus, now all Samsung's competitors have to say is ""we won't blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!"""

"I couldn't decide whether or not to buy this new king sized mattress I'm going to sleep on it."

"I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't go to the gym with me. We just weren't working out."

"The drinking age in Alabama has changed to 25 Lawmakers warrant this by saying it is meant to keep alcohol out of high school"

"I was once called a racist for saying black paint. Apparently the correct term is ""Tyrone, please paint the fence."""

"NY Friend: ""You're in LA, you don't have to shovel anything!"" Me: ""Yeah? These heaps of broken dreams wont get off the sidewalk themselves."""