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Joke of the Day

"(Mayday) PILOT: I didn't go thru 9 years of flight school to crash ME: *relieved* Thank G- P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense"

"Him: This house is perfect for us! Her: What about the kids? Him: You're right. We'll have to put them up for adoption"

"my grandad came to this country with four pounds in his pocket, my nan was holding a suitcase full of cash & heroin"

"How is useless meat around vagina called?.. ... women."

"[dating game] GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo? G: contestant #2"

"What is the most positive thing in a ghetto? HIV"

"Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments. Me: Yes, but do go on..."

"Fuck. Was just recorded by the google earth car. Just to be clear, I was jerking off NEAR pigeons, not TO them."

"I spend way too much time deciding on whether I should use ""Lol"", ""Lmao"", ""Rofl"", or ""Haha"" in my text message."

"Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am"