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Joke of the Day

"""WHY YES I'D LOVE TO BE A THOUSAND POUNDS"" my brain when i see a box of donuts"

"I Sir Ender declare war on ... wait wait we surrender"

"I don't know why there has been all this hate lately about trophy hunting exotic animals... As a guy, on a couple of drunken nights I have slayed a few elephants... and a whale."

"Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way."

"what do you call a patronizing criminal walking down stairs a condescending con descending"

"Hope nobody has a video of me trying to get the fourth corner of a fitted sheet over the mattress."

"Ladies, call me Adobe Updater, because I nag you at least once a week and never seem to work"

"How many Will Ferrell's does it take to change a light bulb? One, AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!"

"Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken."

"I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now. It's really pissing me off. It asks me, ""Where do you want to go?"" So I click on the 'Home' icon and it starts all over again."