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Joke of the Day

"[At Doctor] Me:I'm having chest pain Doc:Did you buy a new bra? Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing! Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain Me:Oh"

"I've always identified with Professor Calamitous from Jimmy Neutron... But I never bothered to figure out why."

"I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I'm really passionate about ducks."

"I just had to leave the office kitchen because two co-workers were talking about tea bags and I'm 12"

"[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]"

"I hear Bristol Palin is pregnant again... Ever since Trig was born, she's been Down to fuck."

"A man gets pulled over by a female cop. He asks ""what seems to be the problem, officer?"", and the cop responds, ""oh, nothing."" EDIT: Weee, this is my first time on the front page."

"Can't believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up"

"Leaving Twitter for Facebook is like leaving the bar to go home."

"I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire."