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Joke of the Day

"H: I don't understand what goes on in your head. Me: If you prefer, I can quit twitter and just tell you all of this. H: No, we're good."

"Donald Trump wants to ban pre-shredded cheese He wants to make America grate again!"

"Two children pieces of graphite are playing with a diamond..... ...Mummy piece of graphite walks in and says ""Leave your Father alone - he's been under a lot of pressure"""

"How do her parents punish Helen Keller? By leaving the plunger in the toilet."

"What did the stamp say to the envelope? I'm stuck on you."

"How do you hold your liqour? I hold mine by the ears."

"To all you hilarious guys telling Ronda Rousey jokes today: Seize your moment, gents! Talk about a woman *and* look like the winner by comparison!"

"I knock some sense into people with a hammer."

"Did you read the book ""The History of Glue""? I couldn't put it down!"

"I accidentally slept with a prostitute last night... I thought I was more careful and smart than that, I swear! I typically check the tags on their feet first! :("