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Joke of the Day

"Tis the season to kidnap a tree, hold it hostage, keep it from its family during the holidays, then leave it for dead."

"I like my women how I like my coffee. Ground up, packed in zip lock bags and stored in the freezer."

"You know what people really do when no one's looking? Your mum."

"What comes before the main violinist? ... Entree Rieu"

"It's so cool how avocados take forever to get ripe then they're ripe for about 15 minutes then they're rotten then I kill all these hostages"

"What does batman get in his drinks? Just Ice"

"*drops acid* *picks up acid* *drops acid* *picks up acid* *drops acid* *picks up acid* *drops acid* *checks for abs, finds a clown"

"I think my friend Ben has a bad reputation. Every time I tell someone that me and my other buddy are friends with Ben Ofitz, they give me a strange look."

"When I worked for the USPS a number of years ago I found the work to be slightly monotonous. It really helped me work on my delivery though."

"What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my wiener in a car exhaust pipe"