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Joke of the Day

"Never trust stairs, They're always up to something."

"My ass is one of the great wonders of the world if you're wondering when it's getting off this couch."

"I'm Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children."

"TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name: Kanye."

"What is the difference between Donald and a peace of sh..? NOTHING....!!!"

"A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ""doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"" The doctor replied, ""I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"""

"For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday."

"On dating sites, some of the options for 'body type' should be, 'Vending machine', 'deformed walrus' and 'pudding in garbage bag'."

"""What the FUCK is going on?!?!?"" - the Moon (July 21, 1969)"

"I've decided my tweets sound better when I say them so instead of tweeting I'm just gonna call all of you when I think of stuff."