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Joke of the Day

"if you're happy and you know it... then the chemtrails are working Edit: credit to Welcome to Nightvale"

"My dad said if he practiced yoga long enough he could pick up a pencil with his toes. He then proudly mentioned he would be writing footnotes."

"""That's not Captain Kirk."" is what I like to say just after the pilot makes his first announcement & then everyone laughs in my head."

"I'm dyslexic, atheist and an insomniac... I stay up all night wondering if there *really* is a Dog."

"Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs."

"One-liners for when you're leaving - example: ""I'm going to make like a baby, and head out."" I also use ""Let's make like a chapped-ass, and split."" What are some other good ones?"

"Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I'm making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo's."

"Your wife and your lawyer are drowning. You have a choice to make: Lunch or the movies?"

"what does a family dentist and a pedophile have in common? They both fill little kids' cavities. Original by me."

"When is the best time to go to the dentist? 2:30"