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Joke of the Day

"My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher... Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!"

"God said, ""Peter, come forth..."" But he came fifth and got a toaster instead."

"Divorced Barbie. Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie doll? A: All Ken's stuff."

"I'm not an alcoholic... My liver is evil and it must be destroyed."

"""What's your greatest strength?"" Shadow puppetry ""Seriously?"" [interviewer presses intercom button] ""Pat, please bring a flashlight in here"""

"What font was used on Wyatt Earp's tombstone? Sans Sheriff."

"One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, He said ""here's a picture of me when I was younger."" I responded ""Every picture is of you when you were younger."" -Mitch Hedberg"

"The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La. Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me."

"What's a pirates favorite letter? R, C, I and P are all pretty much equal"

"me: How long are you going to keep throwing that in my face?! Netflix: Because you watched ""The Wedding Planner"""