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Joke of the Day

"*wakes up before alarm goes off* please be 5am please be 5am *checks time* 2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO"

"Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates, they'll kill your dog."

"Hey Seattle, Wanna win the Superbowl? No thanks, We'll pass!"

"I like cheese Just like cheese man"

"Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie."

"Me: C'mon. Dog: No. Me: Let's go. Dog: No. Me: Please? Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!? Me: It's just rain. Dog: I already pooped in your shoe."

"From my 11 year old cousin: What do you get if you cross a pond with snowshoes? Wet."

"A priest walks into a bar.. He looks around and leaves disappointed. Everyone is over 18."

"Some people are just better left alone. In a jacket, in a room with padded walls."

"What does a 60 year old woman have between her breasts that a 20 year old woman doesn't? Her belly button."