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Joke of the Day

"I hate when I'm pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don't kill me while i'm pooping.."

"I have a vegan girlfriend... and she's nice and all, but sometimes I think she just looks at me like a piece of carrot"

"[God & his assistant making giraffes] ASST: Say ""when"" once the neck is long enough, k? *God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*"

"The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet."

"A city child came running into the farmhouse. ""No wonder that mama pig is so big"" she yelled. ""There's a bunch of little pigs out there blowing her up!"""

"Nice try, PG-13 comedies."

"I pointed to hub's hearing aid and said is that thing on? He said ""yes, I am just trying to figure out what the hell you are saying"""

"Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Mrs. Pac-Man, for 25c she swallowed balls until she died"

"I can see myself going up in the world... The mirror in the elevator is pretty shiny."

"I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey But then I turned myself around"