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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend treats me like a god. She ignores me until she needs something."

"Glow in the dark condoms. Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! ..."

"A man tries to buy a trampoline... but his check bounces."

"How do you tell a crazy Jew that it's all in his head? ""It's psychosemitic"""

"I want to be elected president, learn the truth about aliens, and then resign."

"Him: You need to work on your communication skills Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC"

"The pilot asks over the PA system whether there's a doctor on board From the back a guy shouts ""I'm a vegan!"""

"I'm afraid that my best friend is developing an addiction to brake fluid. I've called him out on it, but he says he can stop anytime."

"When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist. Which is too bad. Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer."

"Maybe stop asking 20yo beauty queens how to solve problems the government hasn't even been able to figure out in 200 years?"