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Joke of the Day

"[texting] So what's your name? ""ily"" omg this is moving too fast. ILY: (yelling) IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?"

"Judge: State your name. Me: Not Guilty Judge: What? Me: I had it legally changed. Judge: You're Not Guilty? Me: *moonwalks outta there*"

"Pokemon go has made Reddit into a fangirl. But oh my gosh i must catch em all"

"My girlfriend asked, ""Why do we always stay home for dinner and never eat out?"" Obviously if I was any good at eating out, then you wouldn't be complaining about staying home."

"How to not be racist Be like Mario! He's made by the japanese, he is an italian plumber, looks like a mexican, runs and jumps like a black man and grabs coins as fast as a Jew!"

"I invented a new word today... Plagiarism."

"I don't understand why we use the word 'late' to describe someone who died, what were they late for? The funeral?"

"Why did Dairy Queen get pregnant? ...Because Burger King didn't wrap his whopper"

"Everyone's an atheist until they're making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail"

"*TSA officer opens my suitcase, disembodied fist pops out and punches him* me: sry sir I forgot I packed a powerful punch *TSA guns me down*"