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Joke of the Day

"What they say: ""Hey, have you lost weight?"" What they mean: ""Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?"""

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"I like mixing laxatives and nitrous oxide on a regular basis, but it's OK... ...I only do it for shits and giggles."
"If you love something,, let it go..... That's EXACTLY what I've done with my body...."
"Pizza Hut ad: ""Do you want the same old same old, or do you want the original?"" Think about these words."
"*hears Siren's song* *eyes glaze* *walks in a trance ten miles* *breaks window to donut shop* I'm here, Mistress. *eats everything* *dies*"
"""I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!"" Brain: LOL Empty bottles: LOL Wine shop owner: LOL New bottle: LOL Bottle opener: LOL Liver: LOL Me: LOL"
"There's nothing scarier than a squirrel who's not afraid of you."
"DIET TIP: Always eat smart. Refuse any food that hasn't scored highly on the SATs and been admitted to an Ivy League school."
"I've heard of sleepwalking on Ambien but the cabbie dropped me off and seems I flew to New Mexico, got peyote, ate a burrito, and flew back."
"What does an apple and an apple tree have in common? They both don't drive tractors."
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