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Joke of the Day

"You know why it's so difficult to put together a baseball team of egotists? Everyone wants to play first."

"Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq? Because there's a Target around every corner."

"ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it's the alpacalypse"

"Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago."

"Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won't."

"Yes, I read Quantum Physics. But only for the particles."

"""I'm sorry but it's only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms"" [octopus glove shopping] ""this is unacceptable"""

"Why did the man open a rooftop bar? He wanted to have drinks on the house."

"You had me at: I'm calling the police."

"I don't want to know the truth. Lie to me and make it ok."