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Joke of the Day

"My favorite sex position is the JFK... I splatter all over her as she screams and tries to get out of the car."

"[rap battle] [my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]"

"What do you call a missing psychic midget? A small medium at large."

"Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair"

"Did you hear about the mute motorcycle gang? They don't answer to nobody."

"The other day I asked my wife to hand me the news paper. She said, ""Silly you, just use my Ipad.""... That spider had no fucking idea what hit it."

"The Road Runner is a pretentious, cocky fucking asshole and deserves to be eaten. Beep beep that shit, motherfucker."

"Babies are like Starbucks because they're expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car"

"I know what it's like to be pulled back from death and appreciate life more since I dropped my cell phone in the toilet and it still works"

"How do you lose 30 pounds in 1 Minute? Go to England and buy something"