207497

Joke of the Day

"Thinking about having kids? Buy a plant. If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you're too old to have kids by then."

"What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted people"

"Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat."

"Half of middle aged mothers don't go to the cinemas I don't believe that where do they make all their phone calls"

"Your momma's so ugly... ... that on Halloween, the kids give their candy to *her*!"

"what did the police do when they wanted to interrogate mark? question mark."

"[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now] TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip"

"Why did the bunny find some extra green in his paycheck? Because he put in a little extra clovertime."

"If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them"

"Why didn't Hitler take a taxi? He was more of an Ubermensch."