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Joke of the Day

"I like my women like I like my Pistachio nuts. Easy to get inside or else I'll just move onto the next. Ha ha only joking. I'm so lonely."

"""50 Cent for 2Pacs of Eminems!? That's Ludacris!"""

"Why was the policeman in bed? Because he was an undercover cop"

"im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i'll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!"

"My son swallowed several coins the other day. I've definitely seen some change in him."

"Happy Valentine's day! Do you know what the word of the day is? Legs!.....Should we go back to my place and spread the word?"

"Can't decide if I should start this laundry or fake my own death."

"Did you hear about the monster who lost all his hair in the war? He lost it in a hair raid."

"*looks up from phone* ""Kids!! we're leaving the playground in 22 percent."""

"Whenever I'm feeling really tired, I just watch the new Star Wars trailer... Because The Force Awakens me"