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Joke of the Day

"My daughter got her dress caught in the escalator and I had to walk away fast so people wouldn't think she was with me."

"If you get kissed by an alpaca it's not the end of the world. It's the alpaca-lips."

"Thheres just not enough moisture in food now a days. Run that shit under the faucet"

"Friday, I've tried to see other days and none compare to you, I love you."

"What's the difference between a Pilot and a jet engine? A jet engine stops whining after it lands"

"Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they're stabbing it? No? How about now?"

"Last night I got a handjob from a blind girl She said, ""You've got the biggest dick I've ever put my hands on."" I said, ""nah, you're just pulling my leg."""

"I just ate some pasta... ...and it was worth every Penne. ^(My god, that must be the worst joke I've ever written.)"

"What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? With a drum machine you only have to punch the instructions in once"

"Jihadi John Guess he's Jihadi gone now"