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Joke of the Day

"What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?"

"Why do procrastinators live the longest? Because they die at the last second."

"I can't stop watching myself on this Walgreens surveillance monitor. Crazy how the camera adds 40 pounds and a limp!"

"50,000 battered women a year... And I still eat mine plain!"

"I'm getting married! Well, I have a new boyfriend! Okay, I have a date for tomorrow night! FINE. Shoe salesman said ""Come back soon""."

"Where do gay fish live Aqueeriums"

"Snow in the forecast... ...and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, ""Fat chance, with a face like that!"""

"Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am."

"If ""con"" is the opposite of ""pro"".... What is the opposite of progress?"

"Wife: We get 1 ""cheat meal"" on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want? Me: The waitress. ...And that's why I'm not getting laid tonight."